Lille Allen/Eater
Can a frozen pizza bagel really be improved? Does it need to be?
When I was growing up in the ’90s, frozen food signaled a sense of independence to me. I’d walk home from school and take a peek in the freezer to see what would become my after-school snack: a chicken pot pie from Marie Callender’s, a plate of fish sticks, or pizza bagels were typically on the menu.
Now I’m in my thirties, and although I don’t eat frozen food nearly as much as I used to, I still have a nostalgic yearning for it. Many new brands want to tap into that yearning — but with healthier options that may be plant-based, gluten-free, or entirely organic. But can a gentrified pizza roll or frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwich with colorful branding and bubble-letter font really beat out the classics? I decided to try out well-loved freezer aisle staples and compare them to their shiny new counterparts to find out. Here are the results.
Best frozen pizza rolls: Totino’s versus Snowdays
It’ll surprise absolutely no one that I immediately burnt my mouth upon my first bite of these pizza rolls. Some things, including molten cheese and sauce, never change — even if Snowdays are the new gluten-free and organic frozen pizza snack on the block. I popped both options in my air fryer for five minutes at 400 degrees. When it comes to crust, Totino’s was the winner, with a crispiness and blistered skin that felt like it had been dropped in a deep fryer. The filling, however, I’ll give to Snowdays. Its tomato sauce felt more robust and less sweet than Totino’s, and the cheese was melty and stretchy, too. Totino’s cheese completely melted into the sauce — probably because the brand uses something called “imitation mozzarella cheese.” When it comes down to it, both provoked my nostalgia and hit the right frozen pizza snack notes, but moving forward I’ll probably reach for Snowdays. As a bonus, I can share them with my gluten-free friends, too.
Winner:
Best Frozen Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly Sandwich: Smucker’s Uncrustables versus Chubby
Chubby gets points for offering a cloud-shaped sandwich. It’s honestly adorable, but mine had a burst edge, which meant grape jam was leaking out. The Uncrustable, on the other hand, was perfectly symmetrical — a poster child for America’s love of mass-produced foods. The filling of the Smucker’s brand struck a balance between nutty and sweet, and had a glossy jelly, while Chubby’s grape jam dominated the entire sandwich with an off-putting flavor that reminded me of cough syrup; its texture, compared to the Uncrustable, was sludgy. I understand the draw of nine grams of protein in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but Smucker’s six grams of protein isn’t too far off — and tastes infinitely better.
Winner:
Best Frozen Mozzarella Sticks: TGI Fridays versus Feel Good Foods
If you define a good mozzarella stick by its cheese pull, then there’s a clear winner in this category. The TGI Fridays flat, brick-shaped mozzarella sticks seem like they have enough mass to transform into a stringy cheese web, but in reality, there was no gooey cheese whatsoever. Instead, the cheese snapped immediately. Meanwhile, Feel Good Food’s gluten-free mozz sticks had a satisfying stretchiness, well-seasoned crust, and classic tubular shape. They feel exactly like the mozzarella sticks you’d buy at a bowling alley or skating rink, which is exactly what I want my mozzarella sticks to feel like. I’ll give bonus points to TGI Fridays for including a packet of marinara, but at the end of the day, it’s the mozz sticks we’re judging, and their version lacks pull.
Winner:
Best Frozen Dumplings: Ling Ling Potstickers versus Mila Soup Dumplings
This is not a fair match up because we’re comparing two different types of dumplings, but it’s useful for demonstrating how far the frozen dumpling category has come. Ten years ago, you wouldn’t even dream of freezing xiaolongbao. Now, it’s practically my go-to weeknight dinner. Ling Ling has been around for decades, and what it gets right, for me, is its well-seasoned chicken filling, not-too-thick skin, and versatile methods for successful preparation, like steaming. Unfortunately for them, Mila is just an entirely different, and far more pleasurable, culinary experience. The dumpling skins are delicate, giving way to a rich and brothy interior, and the filling is gloriously meaty. They feel like a restaurant-quality dish, to the extent that it’s shocking to realize you can find them in your freezer. Ling Ling is still nostalgic for me — my family has been buying bags of the stuff from Costco for decades — but Mila edges it out with their innovative dumplings.
Winner:
Best Frozen Bean and Cheese Burrito: Vista Hermosa Burrito Buena versus Amy’s
I believe that the beauty of a bean and cheese burrito lies in its simplicity. I want it to taste exactly like what it’s advertising: mushy beans and gooey cheese and that’s it. And so this is where Tacombi’s consumer goods brand, Vista Hermosa, went south for me. While I’d been excited by the prospect of Oaxacan cheese and beans, I was less thrilled to find that the burrito also contained nopales, tomatoes, habanero peppers, and rice. It wasn’t bad — it had a pickled flavor from all the tangy spices, along with ample heat and a great tortilla — but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Old-school Amy’s, on the other hand, hit all the right notes: smooth beans, melty cheese, and a soft tortilla. Sometimes, simple is better.
Winner:
Best Frozen Waffles: Kellogg’s Eggo versus Banza
I can appreciate what Banza is trying to add to the frozen breakfast category with their protein-rich, gluten-free chickpea waffles. That said, they’re not going to dethrone Eggo anytime soon. Not, at least, with chickpea waffles so gritty and dry that the only way to remedy their texture is to drown them in butter and syrup; I truly felt like I had to choke them down. The Eggo waffle, on the other hand, is classic for a reason: It strikes the balance between crispy and fluffy, with a cakey aroma. And since they’re already sweet, you can forgo a pat of butter and drizzle of maple syrup (although I wouldn’t).
Winner:
Best Pizza Bagels: Bagel Bites versus Annie’s
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime… every now and then, the Bagel Bites jingle still plays in my head. Actual Bagel Bites are just as enduring as their catchy tune; the bagel itself has a crisp shell and soft interior, the tomato sauce is tangy, and the cubes of cheese and pepperoni add pops of salt. The Annie’s bagels, by comparison, are made with organic ingredients, including a nutty whole-wheat base and a sauce that has a robust, concentrated tomato flavor. When I tasted them side by side, I had a hard time deciding the winner — they’re both similar to and better than I remember (probably because my air fryer does a much better job of cooking these than the microwave did 20 years ago). I think it comes down to a matter of preference whether you like whole wheat or white bread better. Personally, I like my bagels plain.
Winner:
Best Fake Chicken Nuggets: MorningStar Farms versus Simulate
MorningStar Farms walked so the influx of plant-based nuggets could run, but unfortunately, they can’t quite keep up with the likes of Simulate. The breading for MorningStar’s nuggets is like panko — it’s crusty and gets crispy in the air fryer, but to me also felt dry. Simulate’s nuggs are different; they resemble a vegan version of McDonald’s chicken nuggets, from the thick and crunchy batter down to the boot-shape. The batter had noticeable flecks of black pepper and overall was more flavorful than MorningStar’s. As plant-based options go, they’re both good — Simulate is just a bit better.
Winner:
Best Orange Creamsicle: Good Humor Creamsicle versus Good Pop Orange n’ Cream
Good Pop’s orange and coconut cream popsicle is made with actual orange juice that you can taste, while Good Humor’s orange juice concentrate version is, to me, reminiscent of powdered Tang mix. But because Good Pop’s popsicles are entirely dairy-free, they’re much icier than the original version of a creamsicle, which is silky rather than crunchy and has a much more pronounced vanilla flavor. If you like coconut, Good Pop is a great option, but to me, coconut and orange is not as strong a pairing as vanilla ice cream and orange.
Winner:
Best Frozen Chicken Pot Pie: Marie Callender’s versus Blake’s
When I was growing up, no Costco trip was complete until my mom loaded our cart with a big box of Marie Callender’s pot pies. All these years later, I found the pie just as I remembered: salty, loaded with chicken, peas, and carrots in a buttery crust that envelopes all the gravy like an actual pie. By comparison, Blake’s crust only covers the top of the pie. Even so, I found Blake’s pastry to be far better than Marie Callender’s — it was flaky like puff pastry rather than short. Potatoes are added to the filling here, which I welcomed, and the gravy wasn’t nearly as salty as Marie’s and its flavor balanced well with the chicken, peas, potatoes, and carrots. It was a tight race, but Blake’s came out on top.
Winner:
Best Frozen Pizza Pocket: Hot Pockets versus Screamin’ Sicilian
There are some important factors to consider when comparing a pepperoni and cheese Hot Pocket to Screamin’ Sicilian’s stromboli. For starters, the stromboli is a lot heftier: You’d think this means way more filling, but in my experience, you’d be wrong. The stromboli’s crust-to-filling ratio was off; there was too much crust and gaps between the pepperoni and cheese. Despite this, the stromboli was my ultimate winner, thanks to its melty cheese, garlic butter-brushed crust, and slabs of pepperoni that added both salt and heat. Although the Hot Pocket’s ratios were perfect — the filling oozed out molten cheese and pepperoni — it just didn’t taste as good and the crust was more rubbery than crisp.
Winner:
Best Ice Cream Sandwich: Klondike versus Alden’s Organic
On a hot summer day, any ice cream sandwich will do, and these two are no exception. That said, I prefer Alden’s Organic for a couple reasons. For starters, the ice cream center has a prominent vanilla flavor and a creamy, pale yellow hue that made me feel like I was eating actual ice cream. Klondike’s version is stark white and vaguely sweet, but the vanilla aroma wasn’t as notable. And then there’s the cookie base: for me, an ice cream sandwich is primarily about the ice cream, and Alden’s cookie base is much thinner than Klondike’s, which is how I prefer my sandwiches.
